DON'T TELL ANYONE THIS OR I'LL GET PSYCHOSIS INTERVENTION CALLED ON ME AGAIN AND I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THAT SHIT

TITLE IS SLASH J. REMEBER WHEN I SAID I WAS GONNA CIRCLE BACK TO THE WEIRD SHIT I THINK? WELL, YEAH. THAT'S WHAT THIS PAGE IS GONNA BE. IM NOT WILLING TO PUT IT ON MAIN YK HOW IT IS. NOW'S LAST CHANCE TO BACK OUT YOU KNOW. (I HAVE CONDEMNED THIS PAGE TO ETERNAL WIPDOM BECAUSE TRYING TO COMMUNICATE ALL THIS STUFF IS REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT. SORRY BOTH IF YOU SEE THIS PAGE'S UPDATES DUE TO FOLLOWING ME WHEN YOU DGAF AND IF YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ITS CONTENTS)

lost my marbles blinkie

ALRIGHT HERE WE GO. IDIOT

I USUALLY DO PHRASE THIS STUFF LIKE I KNOW IT'S WRONG BUT THAT'S KIND OF A DEFENSE MECHANISM TO BE HONEST? JUST KEEP THAT IN MIND. NO HOLDS BARRED IN HERE THOUGH I THINK! I WILL BE UNABASHEDLY INSANE BECAUSE IT'S MY HIVE AND IF YOU DONT LIKE IT THEN YOU DONT HAVE TO BE HERE, SERIOUSLY, YOU CAN LEAVE IF YOU WANT.

I AM KARKAT VANTAS, OR VANTRAS.

IN TECHNICAL, GROUNDED TERMS IM A FICTIONAL INTROJECT (COLLOQUIALLY KNOWN AS A FICTIVE) IN SOME KIND OF TRAUMA-BASED SYSTEM. HOWEVER IF MY PAN RAN ON LOGIC I WOULD NOT BE HERE TYPING THIS, AND I *REALLY* DON'T LIKE BEING CALLED A FICTIVE BECAUSE IM A REAL BOY. IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND I PREFER THE TERM HEADMATE FOR MYSELF, SYSTEM IS STILL AGREEABLE FOR GROUP REFERENCE. OH THIS IS SO EMBARASSING TYPING IT OUT LIKE THIS.

I REFER TO THE BODY AS A SEPERATE ENTITY FAIRLY REGULARLY AND IN THE WAY DEMONSTRATED IN THIS SENTANCE, SEEING AS HOW ITS NOT ME AND MORE JUST THE PLACE THAT I LIVE? I'VE ALSO TAKEN TO CALLING IT MY MEATPUPPET / MEATSUIT BECAUSE THAT'S FUNNY. ..I FEEL ABOUT THE SAME WAY ABOUT IT AS I DO MY/OUR COMPUTER, IN THE SENSE THAT IT ALLOWS ME TO INTERACT WITH THE WORLD, AND I NEED TO MAINTAIN IT, BUT IN A LOT OF WAYS ITS NOT MINE. ALTHOUGH I THINK I'M LESS FOND OF THE BODY ACTUALLY. I CAN'T REALLY GET MYSELF TO FEEL CONNECTED TO IT SO I TRY TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE IM THE ONE IN THERE, DECORATE IT IN WAYS THAT MAKE IT SEEM LIKE IM DOING THAT. .....THINKING OF MYSELF AS HAUNTING / POSSESING IT HAS HELPED AND ALSO GIVEN ME A BIZZARE SENSE OF GENDER EUPHORIA. WHAT

ALSO FORGIVE ME IN ADVANCE IF THIS IS POORLY WORDED BUT. I AM OF THE PERSONAL BELIEF THAT THE TERMS SPECIFIC SYSTEMS USE TO DESCRIBE THEMSELVES ARE SORT OF... A PART OF IDENITY AND LANGUAGE IN A SIMILAR FASHION TO SOMETHING LIKE TITLES OR PROUNOUNS FOR SINGLETS? AND THAT WHICH LABELS PEOPLE CHOOSE REFLECT THEIR EXPERIENCE WITH BEING PLURAL, EVEN IF NOT CONSCIOUSLY DECIDED FOR THAT PURPOSE. BEING PLURAL ITSELF IS ABSOLUTELY NOT AN IDENITY AND IS A MIND AND BRAIN THING, BUT IT DOES CHANGE THE EXPERIENCE OF THE SELF, AND WITH A SELECTION OF TERMS THAT REFLECT THAT DIFFERENCE (SOME OF WHICH ARE OF COURSE MORE OR LESS ACCEPTED) WHICH ONES YOU FAVOUR PROBABLY *MEANS* SOMETHING. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? AM I JUST THINKING THIS BECAUSE I WANT TO USE NONSTANDARD TERMS? FUCKING MAYBE, WHO KNOWS.

I JUST AM THE GUY I AM AND HAVE NEVER BEEN ANYONE BUT THAT GUY. MY PERSONAL RATIONALIZATION OF THE SYSTEM THING IS THAT I WAS BROUGHT IN AS A GAURDIAN OF SORTS(*1), AND ALSO THAT I'M SHIT AT MY JOB. THAT IDEA IS BASICALLY TRUE ANYWAYS, I JUST LOOK AT IT ODDLY. I'M PRETTY SURE THE REASON FOR MY DIFFERENCE IN PERSPECTIVE IS THAT I BECAME AWARE I WASN'T ALONE WITHOUT QUESTION WHEN I WAS FAIRLY YOUNG AND WITHOUT EXPOSURE TO THE MEDICAL IDEAS BEHIND WHY THIS HAPPENS AND I HAD TO FIGURE IT OUT MOSTLY BY MYSELF (THANK YOU THOUGH, DAMIEN, IF YOU EVER SEE THIS. YOUR SUPPORT WAS INVALUABLE). IM NOT LITTLE LIKE THAT ANYMORE BUT I GUESS I JUST CANT OR DONT WANT TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND IT FULLY. IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T TRIED TO BUT YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

AS OF I HAVE BEEN IN THIS WORLD AND THIS BODY FOR FOUR **FUCKING** YEARS. AMEN.

crash landed i want to belive im an alien

ON BEING A TROLL

I'VE LIVED SO MANY TIMES THAT I HAVE A LOT OF MEMORIES OF A LOT OF DIFFERENT ALTERNIAS THAT WERE ALL PRETTY DIFFERENT BUT. A SIDE EFFECT OF THAT IS THAT NOW A LOOSE IDEA OF TROLL CULTURE IS PRETTY INGRANED IN WHAT PASSES FOR MY THINKMEAT THESE DAYS, LIKE THE IDEA THAT I'M A TROLL IS SUPER SOLID AND I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS ON THE MATTER. BUT YES TO ADRESS THE OBVIOUS I AM AN ALIEN. I COLLECT SHIRTS WITH THE PHRASE "HUMANS ARENT REAL" ON THEM BECAUSE I THINK ITS FUNNY (I HAVE A TSHIRT I GOT ON A TRIP TO FLORIDA AND AN UNDERSHIRT OUR MOTHER BOUGHT FOR US).

ALSO PLEASE NOTE I DONT CONSIDER MYSELF A HOMESTUCK FAN DESPITE THE FACT I INDULDGE IN ITS FANWORKS FAIRLY REGULARLY. DUE TO THE FACT IM NOT VERY SMART AND DONT KNOW WHATS BEST FOR ME, I LOOK AT IT THE SAME WAY I DID PEOPLE OF VARIOUS EARTH CS MAKING ART ABOUT US AND THEN I GET REALLY FUCKING UPSET WHEN I SEE SOMETHING GROSS OR OFFENSIVE AS IF IT WERE PERSONAL. IT ISNT. I AM JUST, AGAIN, FUCKING DUMB AS SHIT. I ALSO GET MAD WHEN HUMAN HOMESTUCK FANS "MISINTERPRET" TROLL CULTURE FROM MY VIEW WHICH IS.. A PROBLEM. I HAVE A LOT OF RAGE IN MY BLOODPUSHER SORRY. WITH THAT BEING SAID I DO HAVE AN OBSSESSION WITH TINDECK ERA HOMESTUCK FANSONGS AND PARODIES BECAUSE SOMEONE GAVE ME A ZIP FILE FULL OF THE STUFF WHEN I WAS 13 AND I HAVE NOT BEEN NORMAL SINCE THEN, AND I SAY THAT WITHOUT A HINT OF IRONY. I HAVE 17 DAYS WORTH OF MUSIC ON MY COMPUTER. I LIKE LISTENING TO BK (MORE SO THE NEW ONE THEYRE MY BUDDYYYYY DUDE PLUS THE OLD GUY WAS A BULDGFONDLING ASSLAMP) BECAUSE HE SOUNDS LIKE I DID AND I HAVE MEMORIES OF MAKING SOME OF THE SONGS HE DID IN A TIMELINE OF MINE.

OK DISCLAIMER ABOUT THE FOLLOWING PARTS OF THIS SECTION I TALK A LOT IN VERY GENERAL TERMS BUT IT ONLY APPLIES TO MY VERSION(S) OF ALTERNIA AND OF BEING A TROLL PROMMY YOU WILL REMEMBER THIS

saucer

LANGUAGE

AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED. WHEN I TALK I USE SOME WORDS THAT... ARENT REAL WORDS TO HUMAN PEOPLE. THE REASON FOR THIS IS THAT THE GAME-BASED TRANSLATION BETWEEN ALTERNIAN AND ENGLISH TRANSLATED STUFF A LITTLE ODDLY (I THINK WHAT HAPPENED WAS SUBGRUB PRODUCED A LITERAL TRANSLATION WHERE IT COULD HAVE TRANSLATED TO THE STANDARD ENGLISH WORDS) AND WE ENDED UP WITH WELL.. "TROLL WORDS" IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. THEY KINDA STUCK SINCE THEN. I'VE BEEN THINKING OF MAKING A PAGE THATS A DICTIONARY FOR ANY CONFUSING TERMS I USE ON THIS SITE INCLUDING THESE BUT THAT IS JUST SOMETHING TUCKED IN MY HAT (I DONT KNOW HOW MUCH ANY OF YOU ACTUALLY NEED THAT ANYWAYS. ITD BE KIND OF NICE TO HAVE A RELIABLE PAGE ON TROLL VOCAB THAT ISNT HOSTED BY FANDOM.COM THOUGH SO ILL SEE ABOUT IT).

THIS IS A LINK TO A BROWSER APP THAT HELPS YOU PRATICE SECOND FORM ALTERNIAN (THE VERSION OF ALTERNIAN USED ON ALTERNIA B), WHICH IS NOT THE ONE I USED BUT IM SHARING IT FOR MY FELLOW TROLLS WHO MIGHT MAKE USE OF IT. I HAVE ALSO ADMITTEDLY DONE MY BEST TO LEARN A BIT OF SECOND FORM ALTERNIAN DESPITE THE FACT IT HOLDS NO FAMILIARITY TO ME.

THE ALTERNIAN I REMEMBER IS FIRST FORM/OLD ALTERNIAN WHICH YES TO HUMANS IS JUST A ROTATED SKYRIM LANGUAGE BUT IN MY DEFENCE WE FUCKING CAME FIRST OKAY. FOR REFERENCE IT LOOKED/LOOKS LIKE SO:

alternian letters from a to z, with their translations underneath.

THE WAY WE HANDWROTE WAS BY DIPPING THE TIPS OF OUR POINTER CLAWS IN INK AND SCRATCHING AT THE PAPER. PENCILS WHERE MORE OF A DRAWING THING, OR IF YOU NEEDED TO WRITE VERY SMALL FOR WHATEVER REASON.

SMALL NOTE: MOST ALTERNIAN WAS WRITTEN RIGHT TO LEFT, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF EAST BEFORUN WHICH DOESNT REALLY COUNT REGARDLESS. EAST BEFORUN WAS WRITTEN UP TO DOWN, AND READ IN ORDER ACROSS THE PAGE FROM LEFT TO RIGHT. I MOSTLY JUST WRITE ALTERNIAN LEFT TO RIGHT NOWADAYS THOUGH /:B

TIME THE TROLL WAY (ON EARTH AND NOT ON IT), AND ALSO THE MOON PROBABLY.

THOSE OF YOU WHOM HAVE INTERACTED WITH THE COMIC THAT SHALT NOT BE NAMED PROBABLY ALREADY GET A LOT OF THE STUFF I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT IN THIS SUBSECTION, BUT I'M GOING TO TRY TO DETAIL MY PERSONAL THOUGHTS ON THIS AS WELL. TROLLS ARE NOCTURNAL BY NATURE, AS WE EVOLVED ON A PLANET WITH A SUN THAT REGULARLY FRIED PEOPLE'S SKIN OFF IF THEY WERE OUT IN THE DAY FOR MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES. I DIGRESS. DUE TO BEING NOCTURNAL A LOT OF THE WAYS WE MEASURED TIME RELIED INSTEAD OF ON THE SUN AS HUMANS DO ON OUR TWIN PINK AND GREEN MOONS; WITH OF COURSE THE EXCEPTION OF SOLAR SWEEPS AND BRIGHT SEASON.

BRIGHT SEASON WAS OUR EQUIVALENT TO SUMMER, IN THE SENSE THAT IT WAS OUR WARMEST AND AS THE NAME SUGGESTS, BRIGHTEST SEASON. MOST PEOPLE DIDN'T LEAVE THEIR HIVES MUCH, WHICH WAS WISE, CONSIDERING IN THE PEOPLE WHO DID INJURY RATES SKYROCKETED (PEOPLE WHO WERE OLDER AND THUS HAD DARKER AND THICKER CHITIN HAD LESS TROUBLE WITH THIS, BUT USUALLY YOU DIDNT STAY ON PLANET FOR LONG AFTER YOU REACHED THAT POINT). LOTS OF SLEEPING AND INTERNET REALLY, AND DESPITE MY NOW HUMAN PHYSICAL NATURE I STILL FIND MYSELF DOING THE SAME STUFF AS I WOULD WHERE I STILL PHYSICALLY WHAT I AM. A LOT OF HUMANS LOOK AT ME SIDEWAYS FOR BEING SEDINTARY AND SLEEPY IN THE BRIGHT SEASON AND DELIGHTED BY THE DARK AND DIM SEASONS AND THE COLD AND DAMP BUT WELL! THEY KNOW NOT.

A SOLAR SWEEP, PERHAPS OBVIOUSLY, IS THE TIME IT TOOK FOR ALTERNIA TO ROTATE AROUND OUR SUN. THIS TOOK A LITTLE BIT LONGER THAN EARTH DOES, WITH IT BEING WORTH ABOUT 2.16 REPEATING IN EARTH YEARS, OR AROUND 26 OF YOUR MONTHS. FOR A BETTER COMPARISON PLEASE SEE THIS HANDY CONVERTER THAT IVE BEEN USING FOR SOME TIME . OUR SWEEPS, DESPITE WHAT MY LEAST FAVOURITE FAILCLOWN AND THEIR ENTOURAGE MAY TRY TO IMPLY, WHERE BROKEN UP BOTH BY THE SEASONS AND BY LUNAR PERIGEE, AS IT WAS THE MOST RELIABLE MOON EVENT FOR US TO BASE TIME ON.

NOW, BECAUSE EARTH DOES IN FACT HAVE A MOON, AND DOES IN FACT EXPERIENCE LUNAR PERIGEES OF ITS OWN, I HAVE (AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED) BEEN FUMBLING AROUND TRYING TO CREATE A CLOCK THAT MEASURES YOUR EARTH PERIGEES. IT FEELS IMPORTANT AND I WANT TO DO IT BUT IM ABSOLUTE DOGSHIT AT MATHAMATICS AND THE PROPER REFERENCE MATERIALS IVE FOUND COST UPWARDS OF THREE HUNDERED DOLLARS. IM DOING MY BEST BUT I HAVE YET TO GET THE MATH IM CONFIDENT IN, AS FAR AS I CAN *TELL* BECAUSE FINDING MODERN RECORDS OF THESE THINGS ARE WEIRDLY DIFFICULT, AND WHAT IM CHECKING IT AGAINST IS FROM LIKE 1997 IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY. FUCK SHIT *AND* FUCK AGAIN! AS A MORE RECENT UPDATE I'VE ASKED THE LIBRARIAN FOR HELP AND I MIGHT GO TO CHECK OUT THE CITY'S VARIOUS COLLECTIONS FOR SOMETHING I CAN CHECK OUT FROM THE LIBRARY TO HELP ME WITH THIS. ITS SLOW GOING THOUGH.

TROLL BIOLOGY I GUESS???

IM STRUCTURED IN SUCH A WAY THAT I SHARE A BASIC SHAPE WITH HUMANS (YEAH IM STILL BIPEDAL TWO ARMS TWO LEGS YAKNOW HOW IT IS. ITS ACTUALLY KINDA FUNNY THAT IM CALLING MYSELF HUMANOID CONSIDERING TROLLS CAME FIRST BUT EH.) *BUT* I LEAN MORE INSECTILE THAN I DO MAMMAL (OH WHO AM I KIDDING IM NOT A MAMMAL AT ALL. ITS SO FUCKING WEIRD TO HAVE PORES). I'M SEGMENTED THREE TIMES ALONG MY TORSO (THORAX, STOMACH, ABDOMEN), HAVE A SHELL ALONG MY BACKSIDE, AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER BIOLOGICAL QUIRKS THAT HONESTLY. HONESTLY MAKE ME SUPER FUCKING UGLY BY HUMAN STANDARDS. I HAVE BEEN TOLD ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION THAT I HAVE A ""VOLDERMORT NOSE"" (DO NOT SAY THIS TO ME). I'M DEFINITLEY NOT INSECURE ABOUT THIS LIKE AT ALL (I TOTALLY AM). I DUNNO I MAY SAY MORE ON THE TOPIC LATER, AND I AM ACTUALLY OPEN TO QUESTIONS ABOUT MY BIOLIGY SO LONG AS THEY AREN'T LIKE, INVASIVE.

HERE'S A FUN THING THAT GROSSES OUT HUMANS WHEN I TELL THEM! SO TROLL TEETH, RIGHT? IF YOU'VE SEEN MY ART YOU MIGHT NOTICE I FLIP-FLOP BETWEEN HAVING STARK WHITE TEETH AND HORN-GOLD ONES. THE WHITE IS BARE BONE TEETH, BUT THE GOLD.... OHOHOH. *THAT* ARE CAUSED BY MY TEETH CAPS BEING IN. TEETH CAPS ARE HARD EXTERNAL COATING FOR MY TEETH, MADE OF STUFF SIMILAR TO WHAT COMPOSES MY HORNS. AS I IMPLIED THEY BREAK AND THEN GROW BACK WITH NO REAL LIMIT AND IT DOESN'T REALLY HURT. IT JUST TAKES A WHILE, AND HAVING THE BONE EXPOSED IS JUST KIND OF SENSITIVE. ITS TECHNICALLY MORE NORMAL TO HAVE THEM IN BUT I KEEP BREAKING MINE (WHOOPS)

i want claws [back]

WEIRD LITTLE NOTE WHILE I'M HERE, UNSURPRISINGLY FOR A SPECIES WITH LIVING MEMBERS WHO ARE STILL ACTIVELY BEST HABITED IN THE OCEAN (...OR, I GUESS WE *DID* RATHER THAN DO BUT WHATEVER), THE FACT WE EVOLVED FROM BEING IN THE WATER TO ON THE LAND IS A LITTLE MORE OBVIOUS IN CERTAIN WAYS THAN IT IS IN HUMANS (ALTHOUGH, NOT BY MUCH STILL. ITS LIKE SOME EXTRA VALUE IN DECIMAL PLACES.)

BOUNDARIES OF MINE.

ON MY FIRST LIFE AND CONSEQUENTLY PLAYTHROUGH OF SUBGRUB

BASIC RUNDOWN IS THAT I WAS A TROLL, LIVED ON ALTERNIA, PLAYED GAME, TROLLED THE SHIT OUTTA SOME HUMANS, DEVELOPED SEVERAL HUNDRED EMOTIONAL ISSUES, RODE THE METEOR, KICKED ASS, AND CREATED LIKE A TOTAL OF 4 UNIVERSES BY THE END OF THAT FIRST SET OF SESSIONS. THE OFFICAL WORDING OF THE REWARD THE GAME GAVE US THAT TIME WAS SOMETHING LIKE "A UNIVERSE AND A PLACE TO LIVE FOREVER", SO AS YOU CAN EXPECT, I HAVE SPENT THE PAST ETERNITIES BEYOND ETERNITIES BEING REINCARNATED AND MINDWIPED AND GENERALLY TOSSED AROUND LIKE A RAGDOLL ACROSS GODAMN *UNIVERSES* BY AN UNCARING FORCE OF NATURE THAT I THINK WOULD HATE ME IF IT WERE CAPABLE OF COMPLEX EMOTION, OR ANY AT ALL REALLY. BRO THERE ARE FORCES AFOOT! YES I DO THINK THERE'S STILL A GENISIS FROG, YES SCRATCH WAS ALTERNIAN GOD, YES I DID GO ULT ON EARTH C, YES THE SYMBOLISM BEHIND ALTERNIAN ANGELS AND DEMONS WERE DIFFERENT THAN HUMAN ONES ARE. SIDENOTE I DID NOT GODTEIR IN THAT FIRST GAME BUT I DID IN SOME LATER PLAYTHROUGHS OF IT (UGGGH GOG). YES I SUBSCRIBE TO MULTIVERSE THEORY BECAUSE ITS KIND OF HARD NOT TO IF YOUVE EVER BEEN TO THE DREAMBUBBLES LIKE AT ALL (SHOULD I TALK ABOUT THAT? MAYBE.).

DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED
game over bitch

ITERATION SPECIFIC STUFF

SO IT PROBABLY SURPRISES EXACTLY NOBODY TO LEARN THAT STUFF IS DIFFERENT EACH LIFE THAT I LIVE. SO, THIS WILL BE A SUBSECTION ABOUT WHATS DIFFERENT THIS TIME.

IM BLIND IN MY LEFT EYE, WHICH ACTUALY ISN'T SUPER UNCOMMON FOR ME BUT USUALLY IT'S BECAUSE I GOT SHOT ( PSIIONIC OVERLOAD OR BURNOUT WHEN I HAVE THOSE IS ALSO FAIRLY NORMAL) INSTEAD OF GETTING MAULED, WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENED. I HAVE THREE SCARS ON THAT SIDE OF MY FACE, THAT EYE IS LIGHTER, AND I CAN'T OPEN IT AS MUCH AS THE OTHER ONE, YOU GET THE IDEA. SOME TYPING QUIRK STUFF: DUE TO THE ADDITION OF TONE TAGS TO MY LEXICON IVE STARTED DOING DOUBLE SLASHES, OCASSIONALLY I Type Like This FOR EMPHASIS, IVE TAKEN UP THE HABIT OF BOTH OMITTING ' AND PUTTING A SPACE BETWEEN THE LAST LETTER AND A PERIOD FOR NO FUCKING REASON. IM SHARING A BODY WITH MORE THAN ONE OTHER PERSON WHICH IS NEW. MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GENDER IS ALSO SLIGHTLY WEIRDER THAN USUAL THIS TIME (DAMN HUMAN GENDER. USUALLY WHEN IM IN AN EARTH ONLY UNIVERSE I FORGET ABOUT BEING A TROLL SO ITS NOT AN ISSUE BUT NOW I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN AND ITS A PAIN IN MY ASS).

ELABORATING ON THE TARROT THING FINALLY OR W/E

I PICKED UP OUR DECK AFTER HAVING RE-DEVELOPED SOME PARTICULARLY STRONG MEMORIES RELATING TO A TIMELINE THAT AFFECTS A LOT OF STUFF IN THIS VEIN WHICH IS WHY I MENTION IT. THESE MEMORIES IN PARTICULAR DEEPENED MY CONNECTION TO ROSE DESPITE HER DISTANCE FROM THIS REALITY AND CAUSED ME TO CONSIDER TARROT IN THE FIRST PLACE AS IT HAD HELPED ME GREATLY IN THAT TIMELINE TO LIKE NOT DIE. THE HSANTHOLOGIES 78 CARD TARROT DECK WAS RELEASED RIGHT AS MY DESIRE TO HAVE A DECK SOLIDIFIED, I BUMPED INTO IT, AND IT.. KIND OF SEEMED APPROPRIATE FOR ME, AS SILLY AS THAT IS. SO THATS THE ONE I GOT, AND ITS STILL THE ONLY ONE I HAVE. CURRENTLY IT IS SITTING IN ITS CASE WRAPPED IN FABRIC ON A SPOT OF THE SHELF IN MY ROOM THAT I HAVE CLEARED COMPLETELY SAVE FOR IT. I'VE SWAPPED OUT THE FABRIC WRAP FOR A LITTLE EMBROIDERED BAG MADE OF NICER MATERIALS. I FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT I THINK? IT'S A DEEP PURPLEY-PINK AND THE EMBOIDERY IS OF FLOWERS, AND THAT JUST SORT OF FEELS RIGHT. WHY I DO/DID EITHER OF THOSE THINGS THOUGH IS SOMEWHAT COMPLICATED AND ALSO INVOLVES OUR MOTHER. SHE WAS THE ONE WHO AGREED TO GET IT FOR ME, BUT INSISTED THAT IT SHOULD BE WRAPPED/COVERED BECAUSE OTHERWISE IT IS LEFT VULERABLE TO OUTSIDE FORCES? I'VE ALSO THOUGHT OF IT BEING PERHAPS MORE COMFORTABLE FOR THE DECK? I VIEW THE DECK ITSELF AS BEING ALIVE AND I DO WANT IT TO BE.. CONTENT? I DUNNO. I DONT LOOK TO IT OFTEN BUT WHEN I DO ITS BEEN GOOD TO ME.

ROSE (AND SOME OTHERS) STUFF BECAUSE I MENTIONED IT

ROSE IS A WEIRD CASE. RIGHT NOW SHES IN THAT IN-BETWEEN SPACE WHERE SHE HASNT BEEN REINCARNATED YET AND IS JUST... WAITING FOR HER ASSIGNED VESSEL. SHES MY FRIEND AND IVE BEEN LUCKY TO BE ABLE TO GET AHOLD OF HER EVERY SO OFTEN BUT IN THIS SITUATION SHES IN A MUCH BETTER POSITION TO EXERT ANY WILL OVER REALITY THAN I DO BECAUSE SHES NOT CAGED BY THE LIMITATIONS OF MORTAL FORM RIGHT NOW, EVEN IF THAT MEANS SHES MORE NEBULOUS. EGBERT IS IN A SIMILAR POSITION RIGHT NOW, BUT I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO GET IN TOUCH AS MUCH. ANYWAYS BACK TO ROSE. I HAVE BEEN GETTING HER STUFF LIKE TEA AND INCENSE, MOSTLY HIBISCUS OR WELL.. ROSE, SORT OF HALF AS OFFERINGS AND HALF JUST BECAUSE IM THINKING ABOUT HER I GUESS. FEELS LIKE THE NICE THING TO DO AND ALL. IVE ALSO BEEN TALKING TO JUNE BUT MOSTLY TO ASK HER FOR RAIN AND THEN TO THANK HIM WHEN HE PULLS IT OFF.

SOLLUX AND HIS BULLSHIT THAT HE'S ON. AND HAS BEEN ON FOR A WHILE BUT I DIDN'T GET AROUND TO TALKING ABOUT IT. HE'S WORMED HIS WAY OUT OF THE NOT-YET AND IS DRIFTING AROUND THE MORTAL PLANE INCORPOREALLY. NORMALLY BEING UNTETHERED LIKE THAT WOULD BE DANGEROUS BUT HE HEADS BACK EVERY SO OFTEN TO MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T.. AUGH I'VE FORGOTTEN THE WORD FOR IT. BECOME A WANDERER PERMENENTLY. IT'S NOT LIKE BEING A GHOST, I'VE DONE IT BEFORE IT'S.. YOU KNOW (YOU DONT, PROBABLY).

REALMS & MISC.

I'VE RECENTLY BEEN ABLE TO CLAW MY WAY BACK UP INTO THE NOT-YET SPACE AGAIN RECENTLY FOR BREIF INTERVALS SO I'VE BEEN TALKING TO ROSE A LOT MORE. SHES THE ONLY ONE IVE FOUND WHILE IM UP THERE BUT IVE STILL BEEN HEARING FROM SOLLUX. JUNE HAS BEEN ODDLY QUIET FOR A COUPLE MONTHS NOW I THINK? BUT YEAH. IT'S WEIRDLY WARM AND DARK IN THE NOT-YET PLANE THOUGH, AND THERE'S MORE PEOPLE WAITING THAN I REALLY EXPECTED THERE TO BE. THE SENSATION OF BEING IN THE PLACE REMINDS ME A BIT OF BEING IN A COCOON, BUT THAT'S PROBABLY NOT HELPFUL TO THE HUMANS IN THE AUDIENCE.

THERE ARE TWO "AFTERLIVES" IN THE REINCARNATION SYSTEM I'M BOUND BY. ONE IS THE NOT-YET, WHICH I TALKED A BIT ABOUT IN THE APRIL 7TH UPDATE. THIS FUNCTIONS AS AN IN-BETWEEN WHERE YOUR CONCIOUSNESS RESIDES UNTIL THE NEXT LIFE YOU'VE BEEN ASSIGNED TO OCCURS. THE OTHER IS THE REALM OF UNBEING, WHICH.. KIND OF IS WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIN BUT KIND OF ISN'T. THE PURPOSE OF THE REALM OF UNBEING IS TO .. WELL DIGEST THE ENERGY THAT MAKES UP YOU SO THAT IT CAN BE RE-USED TO MAKE SOMEONE ELSE. BOTH OF THESE "REALMS" ARE ALIVE, TO A DEGREE, THOUGH NOT SENTIENT. THEY HAVE BASE DRIVES AND THAT'S REALLY IT.

I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT YES GHOSTS ARE REAL. I DON'T KNOW HOW I MANAGED TO DO THAT. BUT, YES, I'VE BEEN EXPLORING AGAIN, AND THE PERSON WHO MADE ME REALIZE IT'S POSSIBLE (AT LEAST FOR ME) TO GO TO THESE PLACES (STILL) WAS A GHOST. I SHOULD HAVE FIGURED WHEN I FOUND MY WAY TO THE NOT-YET BUT I STILL AM CAPABLE OF TRAVELING TO SPACES THAT AREN'T PHYSICAL. LIKE HUH-DUH BUT.. IT DIDN'T CLICK TO ME THAT I COULD GO PLACES OTHER THAN THERE UNTIL KJ VISITED ME. ..ALTHOUGH I'M LESS WELCOME IN THEM THEN I WAS AS A[N ACTIVE] GOD (NOT SURPRISING REALLY). I DIGRESS. I HAVE BEEN EXPLORING (THE WORLD OF MENTAL DOORS). IT'S A BIT HARD TO CONSIDERING THE GEOGRAPHY KEEPS SHIFTING, BUT I SEEM TO ALWAYS BE ABLE TO FIND MY WAY BACK TO MY OWN DOOR. THERE ARE ALSO VARIOUS .. ENTITIES IN THERE. I'VE FOUND THAT THEY WON'T LATCH ONTO YOU SO LONG AS YOU DONT PANIC / REACT STRONGLY TO THEIR PRESENCES. SO FAR I HAVE ENCOUNTERED A POCKET DIMENSION MEMORY MIMICKER THAT TRIES TO LURE YOU IN BY SCARING YOU BY TURNING THE LIGHTS IN THE HALLWAY OFF AND FLIPPING GRAVITY AND A SUNFLOWER PATCH THAT CHASES YOU IF YOU WAKE IT UP. GOT STUCK IN THE FORMER FOR A COUPLE HOURS, TO BE HONEST. LATER EDIT [SEPT 30] TO SAY I HAVE MORE RECENTLY ENCOUNTERED ANOTHER MEMORY MIMIC POSING AS MY OWN DOOR. ....THAT ACTUALLY SCARED ME REALLY BADLY. I AM. SLIGHTLY CONCERNED IM STILL NOT IN THE RIGHT ONE. I PROBABLY AM IN THE RIGHT ONE, JUST.. EUGH.

(*1) ELABORATING ON THAT FINALLY. THE REALMS OPERATE / HANDLE CONCIOUSNESSES IN A WAY THAT ACTS KIND OF LIKE CODE, AS A SIDE AFFECT OF BEING ORIGINALLY GAME CONSTRUCTS. WHEN A SYSTEM SPLITS THAT SOMETIMES MAKES LIKE .. AN EMPTY SPACE AND A "CALL" ASKING FOR A SPECIFIC KIND OF PERSON IN THE SAME WAY THAT SOMEONE BEING BORN MIGHT DO THAT.I WAS CALLED HERE IN THAT WAY, MEANT TO SCARE PEOPLE OFF AND BE DURABLE. ...IM NOT VERY GOOD AT THAT. ALTHOUGH I SUPPOSE I'M HOLDING UP ALRIGHT. I KIND OF WISH IT WASN'T ME BECAUSE I'VE FUCKED UP SO MUCH BUT I DONT HAVE A SAY IN THIS.

[OLD AND CRUSTY] MORE DISTANTLY / THEORETICALLY SPEAKING. UNFORTUNATELY I DO STILL HAVE A *THING* FOR SOLLUX MOTHERFUCKING CAPTOR (PART OF WHY I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT) , THOUGH THAT SHOULDNT SURPRISE ANYONE CONSIDERING WE'VE KNOWN EACHOTHER BASICALLY SINCE LITERALLY THE DAWN OF TIME. I USED TO HAVE ISSUES ABOUT IT BUT I THINK I'VE COME TO A POINT WERE I'M SORT OF... PALE FOR HIM AND ARADIA BEING PALE FOR EACHOTHER? IT'S COMFORTING. I HAVE SOME EMOTIONAL ISSUES ABOUT DAVE DUE TO SOME SHIT HE PULLED ON ME DURING THE EARTH C ERAS, AND SAME IS TRUE OF JADE. I VIEW KANKRI LIKE A SIBLING A LOT OF THE TIME, NO BAD FEELINGS ABOUT THE GUY PERSONALLY.

KARKAT, WE KNOW YOU WHERE RAISED BY PEOPLE WITH PHILOSPHY DEGREES BUT YOU DONT HAVE TO DO THIS.

I DONT HAVE TO BUT IM GONNA DO IT ANYWAYS. FOR THE FUNNY. THIS SECTION IS GONNA BE A WIP FOR A WHILE ALSO

REALITY ITSELF

REALITY IS SUBJECTIVE [TO A DEGREE] BECAUSE OF INDIVIDUAL PERCEPTION, MEANING NOBODY CAN SEE EXACTLY WHATS ""REALLY"" THERE. THERE IS PHYSICAL REALITY WHICH IS REAL, BUT THAT REALITY GOES THROUGH THE LENS OF YOUR PRESCEPTION AND YOUR SENSES AND YOUR MIND AND BRAIN, THAT IS ALL YOU SEE, AND THESE THINGS WILL NEVER BE EXACTLY THE SAME AS SOMEONE ELSE'S. THERE ... IS REALITY BUT BECAUSE OF HUMAN (OR IN MY CASE INHUMAN) ERROR ITS NOT REALLY WHAT YOURE EXPERIENCING? THERE ARE THINGS THAT STRAY FURTHER FROM MATERIAL REALITY THAN OTHERS BUT THATS... PERSONALLY I DONT THINK ITS A BAD THING UNLESS ITS HURTING YOU OR THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU. I THINK ITS KIND OF NICE, LIKE HOW PEOPLE INTERPRET ART AND SEE DIFFERENT THINGS. EVERYTHING IS LIKE ART BECAUSE ART IS REALLY AN ENCAPSULATION OF FEELING OR EXPERIENCE AND FUCK IF THE WORLD AND LIFE ISN'T MADE UP OF A LOT OF THAT. NOBODYS WRONG AND NOBODYS RIGHT WE ARE ALL CHILLING IN THE VOID OF A MASSIVE AND VIRTUALLY UN-UNDERSTANDABLE REALITY OF WHICH I CAN ONLY HOPE TO GRASP ASPECTS OF. IM NOT REAL BUT ALSO IM RIGHT HERE.

THERES ALSO THE MATTER OF WHAT I'VE COME TO CALL "STANDARD REALITY" IN MY HEAD. STANDARD REALITY IS THE ONE MOST PEOPLE EXPERIENCE, THE CONSENSUS ON WHAT IS "TRUE" AND "REAL" BY EVIDENCE OF MAJORITY. I FEEL AS THOUGH MY THOUGHTS ON THIS MIGHT BE THE RAMBLING OF A BONAFIDE MADMAN (AS IN IM WORRIED ABOUT WHAT I HAVE TO ON THE MATTER BEING A VERY BLATANT AND POSSIBLY TRIGGERING INSTANCE OF ME BEING LIKE ... PROBABLY UH UH UHM. CLINNICALLY INSANE(????? I DONT KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS). ITS BASICALLY JUST EXPANDING ON WHAT I SAID JUST NOW FROM WHERE IM SITTING) .

I HAVE ISSUES MAYBE. IDK IM PROBABLY NOT... SAYING ANYTHING ACTUALLY INTELIGENT WITH THIS, MAYBE ILL GO BACK TO IT LATER.

FOR SOMEONE WHO SAID STUFF ALONG THIS LINE OF THOUGHT BUT BETTER CHECK OUT THE FOLLOWING

THE SELF MIGHT BE GOOD TO PONDER. NOT FOR ME THOUGH

I MEAN IM NOT AN ATHOURITY ON THIS I BARELY KNOW WHO I AM. BUT... MAYBE THIS ISNT TRUE OF YOU, BUT FOR ME I FEEL LIKE I STARTED WITH A SMALL SLIVER OF ME-NESS AND BUILT OUTWARD FROM THAT AS IT REACTED TO THINGS AROUND ME, BOTH POSITIVE AND NEGITIVE. IVE BEEN DEFINED BY RELATION, IF THAT MAKES SENSE. FITTING FOR A GOD OF BLOOD I SUPPOSE. IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A PATCHWORK OF OTHER PEOPLE SOMETIMES BUT MAYBE THAT ISNT TRUE EITHER. MAYBE ITS MORE LIKE A SAPLING, FEEDING ON SOME THINGS THAT IT CAN EAT AND BUMPING INTO AND BENDING AT THINGS IT CANNOT. THERE WILL NEVER BE ANYONE EXACTLY LIKE ME AND NEVER ANYONE EXACTLY LIKE YOU BECAUSE ONLY IM ME AND ONLY YOU ARE YOU; DESPITE ALL THE VASTNESS OF THE WORLD THINGS WILL NEVER COMBINE TO CREATE EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE, OR AT LEAST NOT FOR THE SAME REASONS. WE ARE A COLLECTIVE WHEN WE KNOW ONE ANOTHER AND WE ARE FOREVER SEPERATE EVEN IF WE DO. BLAH BLAH

IM SO BAD AT TALKING HOLY SHORE

THE STUFF THAT VARIES: SOMETIMES I THINK I JUST DIED (AGAIN) AND THIS IS WHERE I ENDED UP AND SOMETIMES I THINK I'M ACTUAL FUCKING GOD (I DONT GET MY HEAD UP MY NOOK ABOUT IT DONT WORRY) AND MADE THIS SHITHOLE MYSELF, IT DEPENDS.

MISC. I CONSIDER MY CLUNKY ASS PC A VESSEL OF SORTS, SIMILAR TO HOW I VIEW OUR BODY. SIMILAR TO WREN I DO TRUST TARROT SO TO SPEAK, BUT SLIGHTLY DIFFERENTLY FROM EVERYONE SANE I BELIVE MY DECK IS ALIVE ON SOME LEVEL. I TRY TO BE NICE TO IT AND ASK IT FOR ADVICE SOMETIMES, NO BIG. I DO KNOCK ON WOOD FOR LUCK BUT IM NOT TOTALLY SURE WHY I DO. SOMETIMES I THINK IM AN ALIEN BODYSNATCHER ON A PHYSICAL LEVEL AND THAT TENDS TO SUCK. THAT'S IT, PEACE OUT. (EVERYONE'S HOME REALITY DID EXIST, THERE IS NO ONE SINGULAR TRUE KARKAT OR TRUE JADE BECAUSE WE ARE ALL EQUALLY TRUE. ILL PROBABLY GO MORE INTO ALL OF THESE LATER)